Bluebirds Birthday

Bluebirds Birthday 

"It's that time of year again", I tell myself - cushioned in a mountain of pillows in a pitch black room with only the light from this post gleaming on my face. 

In just over a day, I will be another year older. This blog will be almost 4 years old. Flicking on the "back" arrow of this now, heavily outdated web page; I ask myself how much I recognize and relate to my words from years gone by. 

I am still "The Bluebird". And boy, has this bluebird been through a lot since it took flight. Success, failure, heartbreak (a couple of times- unfortunately, to my knowledge.. No long term reciprocated romantic love in the last few years), illness, health, evolution, devolution, good decisions, bad decisions, moving, settling, moving again and everything in between. 

Fundamentally, deep in my inner most core- I don't actually think I've changed. At all. 

Maybe I'm a little less confident, a little less cocky and I've made a few minor adjustments based on caution; trial and error. But the soul inside this bruised body has not much changed. I am still an adventure seeking, fiercely independent spirit with a bug for thrills, travel, intellect and art. I still hold on tight to the idea of romance and love in its truest embodiment adjoining with a passion for lust, spontaneous moments and the journey that life is.  

I'm not sad. I'm reflective. Reflective of the people that came in and out of my life; and left pieces behind. I'm reflective of take offs, landings, sun, snow and cities. Reflective of late nights, early mornings and long afternoons. Reflective of the moments of celebration and the moments of remorse. 

Yes, sometimes - I really do feel alone. Alone in my thoughts, in my desires and even in the literal physical. I used to be afraid to admit to that. But, now I accept it - I accept that it's okay and that it might not change. I may never feel cuddles again; which is a sad thought, but - not all lives are the same. 

So, on the brink of my 29th Birthday. Yes, I do recognize the words of that 25 year old. Yes, I feel every memory like it were earlier today. No, I don't regret a thing - not even the mistakes. I want you to know that it's okay. We are all different. You don't need to be understood and there is no prerequisite on what direction to take next. The road I will take will be the one that feels right, in that moment. Where it will lead is anyone's guess - but I'm ready, I always am. I have been blessed, I have been cursed - but I have LIVED, I have lived more lives, more feelings and more adventures than some people thrice my age. And that is the greatest gift that I could ever ask for. 

The good, the bad, the in between. It will all be worth it, one day. State the obvious-  but fly Bluebird, fly.