"Why me?" Syndrome - The Antidote

"Why me? What did I do to deserve this?"

We've all said it, once, twice..everyday of our lives for some.

I found myself in a frantic situation on Sunday morning; due to my very vivid imagination and unpredictable paranoia I threw myself into an "I'm going to die, why me?" frenzy.

Needless to say, I did not die, and my hospital scare -  although serious, was not as life threatening as I had initially predicted.

The kind of thoughts I found hurdling through my mind whilst being changed into a backless smock in the emergency ward varied from mediocre to an entire mental physical breakdown. I could not vocalize most of it..I got out : "it's snowing.."

My first thought was - why? I buy food for homeless people, I'm a nice person, I've never intentionally hurt anyone, I'm kind to animals, good to my parents and brother, I stay fit, I don't spend excessively on myself.. I'm "good"...so why me?

Then I remembered the birds at home "Oh god, did I leave the heater on or off? Have I killed my birds?"

Quickly, whilst the doctor prodded at my leg - I went back to: why do I deserve this? I have put up with so much in life and gotten so little in return (OK, before everybody starts pointing fingers about how lucky I am  and how many great opportunities have come my way..nothing has ever just "happened" I have worked very hard to get to where I am, and am grateful for any help and guidance I have gotten a long the way: but this isn't about my "achievements"). So is this it? For everyone who has ever hurt me and I have only ever been kind in return? For the obstacles in life I have overcome, this is the end of the road? For the worries I endure everyday; there was never going to be that plain and simple "happiness" waiting for me, for all my patience - I waited for...?

Then the doctor interrupted my trail of thought and promptly confirmed that I wouldn't be dying any time soon - not from this anyway.

Took a second to breathe and thought "whoa....If those were my last thoughts, I'm a lot more selfish than I thought."

Then, you know - given that it's me: I thought about it some more.

Some people are religious and believe if you live life by a certain set of rules outlined in a book of your choosing you will die and be greatly rewarded.

Personally, I would like to make the most of my time in the land of the living, pulsating, heart throbbing mess that often is life. I'm quite sure there are more than a few like me; and we often fall back on something that gives us a little - hope - Karma. What goes around comes around.

It has been in my experience, that the kinder, nicer, more thoughtful, selfless and honest the person - the less they get in return. Yes, that's a very cynical way to look at it; and just being that person should be more than  enough to satisfy someone - but more often than not; it will always feel like something is missing or something has been withheld, taken, broken, hurt or betrayed.

And then the inevitable : "Why me? What did I do to deserve this?"

1) Is it true, does the nice guy always finish last in such a cut throat cycle?

2) Do we live in a world that no matter how hard we try not to, we always expect a reward for our behviour?

3) It's ok, Karma...things will get better.

All three are true. Yes, sometimes - being a push over isn't going to work; people see your kindness and take advantage of your for it, somehow, they always get ahead in life. But you're not them, keep reminding yourself. I remember an episode of Friends from my early years. The selfless good deed. There is no such thing as a selfless good deed. You do something good, something kind, something thoughtful and it makes you feel good, it makes you feel happy, vindicated (and there's nothing wrong with that) - so naturally, it feels like a monumental slap in the face when the same kind of treatment from the universe isn't thrown right back at you - why? Why not? It's like getting a dog to to sit, roll over and do tricks without the treat reward at the end. How Cruel.

Then there is the magic word, Karma. Everything will be okay. Hope. It may not be fact, it may not be proven but the word Karma by default embodies hope. Whether the word delivers it's "what goes around comes around" stigma is yet to be proven with all the masses. But I think the one thing we know is that would be the "right" way, the "good" way. So, a lot of us - who have been disappointed a few times or ten and have fallen into "why me?" syndrome whilst we watch others flourish; we put a small investment in those four little letters.

Then, I stopped thinking.

We waste minutes, hours, months, years of time wondering why things do or don't happen to or for us.

What we could have, would have or should have done to make things happen differently.

But here's the thing - there is no answer. It just is. We cannot control each other nor can we control circumstance. All we can do is do the absolute best we can and just keep going. No matter what horrific or unbearable situation you might find yourself in - be it emotional or physical. Our hearts will break and our bodies will suffer. But if we sit and dwell in the downward spiral of our zest, our personality our everything; the spiral will only spin faster and deeper into the dark.

So instead of asking why, what you did to deserve this? Remind yourself of why you shouldn't deserve it. Because I promise you the list will be the same. All you can do is look forward, take a deep breath and keep going... in whatever direction that might be - but I can guarantee, so long as you think that way; it definitely won't be going downwards.