O...OH...O - Oracle of the Orgasm

O…OH…O…

Nadia Murtaza

After reading this, forget everything you’ve read – I don’t want you thinking about this analysis during your precious pleasures.

(I don’t mean to offend anyone’s personal or religious views. 

I have not dealt with same sex partners here, so I apologize for this very hetrosexual piece)

We know what I’m talking about, and oh how powerful the big O is. If you haven’t hooked onto this yet – I’m talking about orgasms.

Stop blushing, it’s perfectly normal.

A long standing argument has been formed over time that relates to the correspondence of emotion and the orgasm – simpatico with females more often than not; and always ironically the lack of the connection between the two and men.

As usual, I am here to dispute.

Yes, we can all agree that sex with a long term, emotionally open, caring partner within a relationship is often rewarding and satisfying; emotionally and physically (or at least we would all like to think so). But what is it exactly that separates the physical nature of  the casual act itself from the “love making” we experience when in a relationship? Our brains, surprise surpise!

Technically speaking – all of the elements are the same. Perhaps you don’t care about the person you are with as much as you would a full time partner; or maybe that “emotional spark” just isn’t there in the same way as the primal physical connection is, but how does this really affect your orgasm, or orgasms.

It doesn’t. (I’m ready for the backlash on this one.)

Like many things in life. We are fine tuned a certain way from birth. Guidelines, instructions and rules.  Whether it be your culture, your religion or just the general norm you are surrounded by, you are given a keen sense of right and wrong, should and shouldn’t, whys and hows. These always find their way to the subject of sex.

The number one thing we are taught, is that sex is a result of companionship and commitment (aside from the whole reproduction issue). Fair to say we don’t all abide by this at all times, but..why should we? Different argument altogether. The key factor is that if we are able to separate ourselves from the “norm” whilst in the act  - we can fully commit to the experience and be a part of a sensation not dissimilar to that of “love making” and in turn completely physically commit to our playmate. Some find it easier than others, most find it difficult – it’s switching off; and as a species we are not particularly good at that.

So, why can we switch off with a boyfriend of girlfriend but not with a “friend”? Trust and security. Many women find it difficult to orgasm with someone they are not completely familiar with, which leads to not trusting the person, which leads to insecurity, which leads to uncontrollable thoughts, which leads to distractions which leads to a mysterious missing orgasm. Anything from “ I look fat from this angle” to “ why isn’t he looking at me” to “ I shouldn’t have had beans for dinner” is enough to wave goodbye to your little moment of pleasure. Alternatively, once a women is comfortable in a relationship, preferably in love and committed, these kind of worries fly out the window – why? Because they are able to commit to the moment without any fear of judgment, rejection or worry. So why is it now, just because someone has stood the test of time that some women are able to let their guard down? It’s not because anything physical has actually changed. It’s because the emotional standard has finally hit exactly where society says it has to be in order for you to be able to switch off. An imaginary box has been ticked and the shackles broken. It all reverts back to the brains unconditional desire to conform to a set of rules.

Men.  I could take the easy route  and say “well men are simple, they don’t deal with the same complications some women do.” Well, there are exceptions to the womens rules , so of course there are exceptions in men as well. Similarly, it all falls back to being in the comfort zone. It’s confidence and security. Some men worry about their performances, or their anatomy – some psych themselves out so horribly it just doesn’t happen or perhaps a little too soon.  Women do need to understand, it can be a daunting task. You’re the car, they’ve got the key, no key, no ride (this excludes any oral enjoyment, let's call that a hot-wire).  When a man is out of his comfort zone with the weight of the world between his pelvic bones the same mind numbing pressures happen because of lack of familiarity and commitment. Whereas the comfort of being in love, committed and trusted during sex leaves the man little to no performance anxiety (because no matter what, she’s going to be there for him) . He’s not worrying about if he’s pleasing her because he already knows that he is (or has sadly maybe gotten to the point where he doesn’t care if he is). And as we all know, the emptier your head, the more connected you are to the moment, the more extravagant that orgasm will be.  It is again, jumping over that initial hurdle that makes you believe you have to be at that stage in order to experience that kind of pleasure.

To have great, passionate, rewarding sex and the big O that puts the cherry ontop of the Sundae; you don’t have to cheapen or demean yourself. You just forget about the “rules” – societies standard is not you – you are you. Turn off the voices in your head that tell you “this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.”  Or even more, give the person with you a little credit that they’re not focusing on your flaws – they are just as capable as the person you’ve known for much longer. It is an experience. You wouldn’t dine at an amazing restaurant and take a bite with out swallowing would you (no pun intended)?  Commit to the pleasure, not to the circumstance. Indulge in the person, not the label attached to them. Trust the moments, enjoy them. It would be cliché to say be free. But that’s what it is, freedom to feel, to be intimate, to connect on a level that does not require explanation. Always be respectful, always have fun, always be safe.

There are also those who face the opposite. Who find it easier to physically connect to someone they are less familiar with. It works both ways – with both men and women. In order for some of us to “let go” we do not necessarily want to be reminded of everything that somebody who may know us better would remind us of.  An empty, but deep connection.  This all in all leads to a fear of commitment, but that’s a whole other article.

Then there’s the other side of the Orgasm. Put your goggles on, things are about to get scientific.

Brain activity in a woman during an orgasm is comparable to what it would resemble if she were having an epileptic fit.  It is an increasing intensity and upsurge of oxygen throughout the body toward the brain. Both men and women release Oxytocin during sex and orgasms, women just release a lot more –which is why men are more inclined to fall asleep afterwards (it gives you that warm fuzzy, connected feeling).  This is the part where you expect to read “and when it’s all over, she looks deeply into his eyes and falls in love.”  Here’s the kicker. Brain scans of both men and women during and after orgasm show that men experience heightened activity  in the emotion processing  centers of the brain. Women on the other hand- their brains shut down in emotion processing regions during arousal and orgasm. (the female orgasm has an antidepressant effect.. we really really don’t want to be thinking of anything when we’ve got a natural high happening).

Basically, directly after an orgasm everything is temporary. Oxytocin is the empathetic brain drug of choice and women just have more of it, so as well as pleasure – the warm fuzz is an added factor. Although men also release this, it doesn’t outweigh the pleasure. Either way – cliché’s and gross exaggerations on the way men and women view sex and orgasm are a total conflict to the actual science of the situation. It is once again; a social standard (movies, TV, magazines don’t help either) that make us react to things the way we do - make women believe they need to feel a certain way and to an extent make men believe they also have to match a profile.

In saying all of this, people do fall in love and form greater connections. There is no denying this. I am purely talking about our friend the orgasm. 

At the end of it, it really is all you as a person. There is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying your orgasm to the fullest, with whomever you choose to do so with.  Love, like and lust; I'm for it all. But the biggest problem, male and female is that you over think the whole thing; and that really is the only thing stopping anyone from forming a passionate intimate connection with their partners or playmates of choice.  Fear of judgment, breaking the norm, not following the guidelines all need to be forgotten if you want to live to the fullest passion. Who decided what you should and shouldn’t do anyway? Who decided the circumstance and who’s to say if that’s the “right way”. If it wasn’t you then it doesn’t matter, this is a private act (or public, depending on your personal taste) it’s between two people (or more, whatever tickles your fancy) so any outside world can be quiet  and drop their chains whilst you get Oh  O so satisfied.